However, your argument should be healthy and non-combative — always try to state your points without name-calling or raising your voice. The most valuable thing is that you learn a lot about each other and even more importantly, about yourself. Small conflicts help both of you reveal your true nature and show your partner how to deal with it.
And if you manage to overcome all the challenges together, you will learn how to compromise and strengthen the bond between you. Being in a relationship is not that easy — if you care about your partner, you always have to flex your boundaries. Not standing your ground when it comes to the things that are important to you may make your partner think that they can have whatever they want, and your resentment will only grow.
According to some studies , the biggest mistake that couples usually make is avoidance — we often feel that something is wrong but say nothing. And this poor communication becomes the most common reason for breaking up. Fighting allows you to focus on your problems and to solve them before they become too large. When you're in the heat of the moment and feeling emotional, it's tough to think before you open your mouth. But taking a pause before you launch into a complaint will allow you to frame your grievance more effectively.
A few simple seconds gives you enough time to step back from squabbles and think: "How can I say this so my partner will hear it? Saying "I'm hurt" or " I feel really angry " instead of " You screwed up! They're going to feel at fault and you won't get through," says Meg Batterson , a couples psychotherapist based in New York.
Speaking in terms of how you feel and offering potential solutions to try together, rather than blaming your partner completely, will remind you that you're in a partnership and need to work together to have a stronger relationship.
Unfortunately, arguments can often devolve into personal attacks think name-calling, criticizing the core of who someone is or how they look —and that is definitely not healthy for your relationship. If you're name-calling, you've probably gone too far. John Gottman , world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, says that one of the predictors of divorce occurs when a person consistently attacks her partner's character rather than isolating the specific issues that are upsetting.
So, instead of saying, "Of course you didn't do the dishes again. You're lazy! You can say something instead like, "I feel frustrated when I come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. Can we set up a schedule for our chores so this doesn't happen again? But if your differences are causing a lot of tension in the relationship, it may be a sign that you and your partner are incompatible. As Lisa Concepcion , relationship coach and founder of LoveQuest Coaching, tells Bustle, constantly fighting over your lifestyles might mean that you should probably break up.
For instance, if you tell your partner that you need to be in bed by a reasonable time every week night and they respond by arguing, you may want to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship. Although it may seem like a simple issue, Concepcion says it could be indicative of something more. If neither partner is willing to compromise, you may be better off breaking up.
In relationships, disagreements are inevitable. But according to Lesli Doares , marriage coach and author, fighting is always a choice. If this is something that happens regularly in your relationship, it may not be the right one for you. You choose it. You control it. According to India Simms , licensed marriage and family therapist, you can disagree without bringing one another down.
According to Daniels, the key ingredient in any relationship is the ability and the willingness to work through issues. Sara Russell , relationship coach. Cheryl Muir , dating and relationship coach. D o you argue with your partner? Or passive aggressive. Or just passive. Or all three. I expect most relationships have much the same arguments most of the time. This is one of the most likely to be unexpressed, as bringing up the subject can make both parties self-conscious when they get in between the sheets, and losing self-consciousness is what sex is all about.
However, the differences can be summed up pretty simply. Either one partner wants more, or one partner wants less, or — in a worst-case scenario — both.
Never have there been two people who had exactly the same standards in these areas. To one person, the other will always be a slob.
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